4 U

This is something like a journal entry. A quick and vulnerable piece that needed to be seen. Not everything I post will be a polished piece and these short interludes reflect where I am at in life. Sending everyone so much love, xo.

I hate the way the world taught me to search for love. It was always inside of a man and never inside of myself. The movies only had happy endings if there was a wedding. Nobody wrote scripts where the girl lives her life, goes to school, and goes on a long journey of loving herself without the trials and tribulations of searching for a man. It was always centered on men; their pleasure, their peace, and their purpose. It gives a terrible message. For years I grew up thinking that happiness meant that I had to find the right one (and that one was never me). They were always a man and tall and athletic. Never did the story teach me that love could begin and end with me. I was a piece of the puzzle that needed someone else to hold me together. So I spent my teenage years searching for that fairytale love story of a boy who would make me some version of complete. Ultimately, I found many boys and none of them came with any great revelation or treasure. So here I am twenty years old, in college, and just now figuring out that intimacy knows no bounds and that love can be found wherever I want (and has no business anywhere I don’t want it). Only recently have I fallen deeply in love with a friend of mine. It is romantic and platonic all at once. I have no desire for a romantic partnership with him. Yet, his friendship is one of the most loving embraces I have ever felt. Our love is honest, unexplainable, and whole. I am not expected to be any one version of myself. I do not have to be the leader, or the brainiac, or the bitch. In fact, he finds all those single labels to be limiting and would much rather discuss all the possibilities of who I am. Through him I am learning intimacy and all her power. Together we are learning how to be vulnerable and in doing this he, and copious amounts of books, are helping me learn that everything I love about love is in me. I love compassion, bravery, and fury. I am compassionate, brave, and overflowing with fury. I love because it is an extension of me, heart and soul. I am erasing the way the world taught me to search for love. I am loving me, first, forever, and always.