No More Free Therapy: A Lesson In Reciprocity

As a child my number one pet peeve was inconsistency. I hated whenever my father cancelled plans or when my mother never told me exactly what the plan for the day was. Too many variables frequently meant that something was not going to work out for someone. Routinely that someone was me. 

Now, my childhood battle with inconsistency usually means disruption and disappointment. In my 20s I now battle with the inconsistency of adulthood. In my professional life, plans changing and deadlines moving can turn my entire calendar upside down. In my social life, inconsistent friends translates to mountains of conflict-- internal and external. Through it all it is important not to let inconsistencies in my life turn into dead ins. There is always something to be learned (even when the lesson seems incomplete). The lesson hidden underneath my inconsistent friendships was about support and emotional labor.

In struggling with an inconsistent friendship for the past three months I learned a crucial lesson about myself. I give too much. My supportive nature made me prone to giving a listening ear and a helping hand to people who often were absent in my times of distress. Examining the pain these failing relationships caused me revealed a trend. I was giving too much across the board. Several relationships that I was feeding into were not giving me the support I needed. Instead of checking in on myself and my own well-being I was busy giving others support. Essentially, I was giving free therapy to others while having little time to check in with myself. I was ignoring a core standard of relationships: reciprocity.

Reciprocity is key to every relationship we have. In relationships-- romantic, platonic, and career based-- there must be reciprocity. Without reciprocity there is room for miscommunication, distrust, and resentment. To avoid these conflicts there must be clear standards. A few questions that are helpful in checking that our relationships are fulfilling are: What do I gain from this relationship? Am i affirmed in this relationship? Who would I be without this relationship? Do I give more than my partner? Could I be giving more in this relationship? These questions give us a foundation for understanding where our relationships may be more draining than they are fulfilling.

Going into a new year there are new chances to grow and evolve my thinking. One of the big growth targets on my list this year is not stop being a therapist to anybody unless I am getting paid. Unpaid emotional labor is a huge problem and I will no longer be doing sessions worth of work for free. I am no longer settling for one-sided relationships. That's over. 

The lesson to be learned here is simple: we are going after exactly what we deserve and nothing less. Do not settle for less in relationships. Accepting less support, love, and compassion than you require is a sin against yourself. Who knows how much your life could change with fulfilling relationships? Take time to shoutout the people who uplift you. Feeding positive relationships in our lives yields an abundance of positive results. 

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