A Lesson in Friendship: The Myth of the Strong Friend
For as long as I can remember having friends I have filled one consistent role: the strong friend. Through high school and now college I have been dubbed one of those people who has life together. As a result, I often feel neglected in friendships. I am the one who reaches out, checks up on, and offers affirmation with very little reciprocation. If you have someone close to you that fits the mold of the strong friend here are five simple ways to give them the care they deserve.
1. Talk to them.
When's the last time you asked them about their day? Sometimes the little, intentional steps go a long way. Make time in your day or your week to reach out to them. Call them. Ask them if they have time to hang out. Showing the strong friend that their issues and problems also deserve time gives them space to be vulnerable.
2. Avoid force.
Do not corner your strong friend. In fact, don't corner anybody. Corners are bad. Create an open, affirming space for them to share their struggles and be flawed. The pressure, conscious or not, of being the strong friend can build to horrible breaking points. Avoid falling into the trap of forcing them to open up to you all at once. Offer them the chance to share with you and open up organically.
3. Don't assume.
In general, assumptions do more harm than good. Try not to assume your strong friend's emotions. A more constructive route is to give them an avenue to come forward and be supported. Think about how they care for you and others. Give them space and time to lean into you. Be kind. Handle them with the same care they give. Often times they know how to be there for others in a way they wish others could be there for them.
4. Let them be whole.
The role of the strong friend is often two dimensional. The strong friend gives, protects, and cares for others while simutaneously trying to hold themselves together. Don't flatten them into their actions. They are more than a listener, a leader, a caregiver. They can master all these things and still have so much more underneath. Take time to acknowledge that they are a whole human being who can make mistakes, be flawed, and grow.
5. Do better.
Evaluate your role in the friendship. Do you support their passions? Do you help them navigate trauma? Is all your feedback based on their flaws? Do you help them understand how to grow in the areas they lack? Lots of foolishness can be pushed under the guise of constructive criticism. Be honest and critique yourself as a friend. If you are failing them in an area (or two) take them time to acknowledge that and start to amend the relationship before it's too late.
Take time today to comfort your strong friend. They need support no matter how tough they seem. Life is full of moments of self doubt that can impact the strongest of us in the most complicated ways. And for the strong friends out there: never be afraid of demanding the love and compassion you deserve. You are worthy of that love and so much more.
